My life has consisted of years and years of struggle, yet almost every morning I wake up optimistic and ready to try again. My life has been a super challenging conglomerate of messes, excitements, hopes, dreams and having all those hopes and dreams shattered in an instant. I am not in self pity mode, but I am in “why me” mode. If I am to be faced with all these challenges in life, what am I supposed to be doing with my life? Show people how to do it easier after I went to all through all the hardships for me and for them? I don’t know. What I do know is something has to change. I do know that I have to make those changes that are best for me and not for those around me. That would be so much easier to do if I knew exactly what to do with my life. Instead I get episodes of rescuing animals and sometimes people and go back to my den and sit quietly alone until the next episode.
Honestly, my life is a mess and each time I make an effort to get it cleaned up, I am hit with curve ball after curve ball and somehow find myself thrown into someone else’s life to pick up their pieces too. I have a kind, empathetic heart and if it were up to me, I would create a Utopian world where we all could play and frolic with animals drinking wine and having sweet conversations with those we love. I am by no means a great person. I make huge mistakes and impulsive decisions that create a world of pickles and then get super angry with myself. Why do I do that? I have no idea yet. Maybe I am a risk taker. Maybe I am too optimistic sometimes. Maybe I just can’t sit still long enough to let something good for me sink in.
When I rescue animals, I do it without thinking. I just jump feet first and put myself and the animals at the mercy of the God and his will. And sometimes his will is not for me to save that animal, but merely to comfort it while it crosses Rainbow Bridge. It took me awhile to accept that because I have a healing nature about me and I want to heal everything and everyone that crosses my path. I want to save every animal and person that comes into my life. Reality doesn’t allow that so I resign myself to do as best I can with what resources I have. The tears keep shedding though. I have a cousin who was a huge part of my childhood who developed cancer in her esophagus and has only days to live and all I can do is pray she passes peacefully. I have a brother in law that is also in stage 4 lung cancer dealing with family rifts as he struggles with his pain. I lost my mom to cancer three years ago and it still feels raw when I think about her.
I am no match for death…of that I am sure. Just this morning, I came upon an injured deer in the road on my way out of the hills. I couldn’t just leave her there to suffer and she was very alert, however, her leg had been broken and was completely severed just hanging by some skin. I consulted a wildlife rehabilitator who is also my rescue vet and a wildlife sanctuary. Both of them advised me to have the deer euthanized by the state fish and wildlife agency. My soul wanted to take that deer back to my barn in the hills and nurse her back to health with a broken leg. I wanted to do that so bad, but my wildlife vet talk some senses into me and painted the picture of reality for her if I attempted that. First, I was not certified to do that and second, she would likely die of capture myopathy which he explained almost always happens to them. Capture myopathy is where they struggle too much to get away that they cause muscle damage and also get depressed. I know that is not true in every single case but in the majority of the cases it is true. So, I did take her to the state’s fish and wildlife agency and I cried off and on all day for her. The fish and wildlife employees ask me how in the world I was able to get her in my car? I told them, I wasn’t quite sure myself. I somehow got her to trust me enough to coax her to my car and blocked her so the only choice she had was to jump in and she did and she struggled a bit but settled down and rested on her ride. I had no cell service where I was at on that country road so I couldn’t make phone calls until after I was quite a few miles down the road with an injured deer in my back seat.
My soul wanted to take her back to my barn with me and search in other states even if I had to get her healed. I do trust my wildlife vet because I do know that if he can save an animal he will certainly try. So I know his experience was more valuable than my clouded empathy. It really sucks to have empathy like sometimes. A blessing and a curse all wrapped up into one sweet deal leaving me to wonder if I truly did do the right thing in taking her to the fish and wildlife agency. I shall never know. Is this my life then? To always be in that wonder mode. Asking myself if I made the right decision? I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m just doing it.
Sherry Short 