We grind and keep going. We ignore our own needs while taking care of those needs of others and somewhere along the way we forget who we are. We get financially drained from trying to make it all work …for everyone else …but not ourselves..so in the end. Everyone else is comfortable and doing ok while you are suffering and doing without. Sadly, the ones you helped the most doesn’t even care that you have sacraficed for them.
Then you do have those that are very grateful for what you do. They appreciate you and if they could help you in return, they simply would. And then, just when you think it can’t get any worse for you and while you are at your lowest point, mentally, physically and financially, all the hands come out and since others are going through similar things, they need you to take care of your debt you have with them. You want to and you have every intention of doing so. You know how it feels to be in need. You understand how if feels to have bills to pay and no way to pay them so you start tapping the possibilities in your mind. I have done it. I have thought …who owes me since I helped them? I realized that I probably asked those people at the wrong time as well. When is the right time? Is there a right time? Then you realize that you are not the only one suffering and if that person could pay you back they would. Oddly, everyone I owe is on the same wavelength or something because several have asked me in the last few weeks and I know some hate to ask.
It’s the same old scenario of like attracts like. We find ourselves surrounded by friends, family and co workers that simply don’t have enough at the end week or maybe in my case the end of the day to make ends meet. I have to take the hits in my case. I have to let people stay upset with me for not being able to take care of my debts to them. It’s not all about money. It’s favors and other things also, but even then, I simply don’t have the energy reserve to fullfil those obligations either. Nothing I can do about it at the moment.
I’m sure there are other people like me out there in this world. You are in financial recovery….or mental recovery from life’s curve balls…or emotional recovery from someone totally using you and betraying you. I’m in recovery in all areas except subtance abuse recovery. I never had to fight that battle like so many in this world are doing right now. If I had turned to drugs and alcohol, I would not be here on this earth right now because I know I would not have survived that. I would have overdosed or run my health down so quick that I would have just given up.
I am not here to whine and complain though. I know life is tough for a lot of people right now. I know that on this Christmas Day, someone else out there has it better than me and someone has it worse than me. I also know that for some of us, like me, Christmas is not such a wonderful holiday and as much as I want to enjoy it and get in the spirit, I just don’t have it in me. I have people who feel I am the worst person in the world for owing them money. My adult children have distanced themselves from me although probably not intentially and I can’t even find the time to enjoy any family time with my siblings, grandson, children or friends, simply because I continue to stay in survival mode.
I asked myself…why is that when I woke up this morning? Why does it seem that at this moment, I am getting the bad end of the stick, when everyone else is cozy in their homes and yes things might be a little difficult for them at the moment, but at least they have a roof over their head and in most cases someone to be there for them. I have a big family, but I do not have that moral support and I get overlooked and misunderstood no matter how people that know me want to view it. Why is that? One reason is because I never stood my ground on my self respect. I backed down from every situation to avoid conflict and rarely shared what my needs were. I have literally been taking care of someone else’s situation all my life and then doing things that don’t benefit me to catch up and recover from that. Those were my choices. I chose to step in and help. I made decisions, good and bad, on my own, thinking I knew the best way. A lot of times, I do know the best way, not because I think I know it all but because I have experienced a lot. At the end of the day, no one in my circle really cares how my day was or what I am going through.
That is my own fault to certain degree as well. I rarely open up. I take care of my problems on my own with no help. My intentions are good, despite my failed attempts, but as they say, the road to hell was paved with good intentions. So true. I have missed the steps to the stairway of life. I have skipped to the top, fell back down several times, brushed myself off and got back up. I have walked my journey completely by myself and when I choose to do something, I am determined to do it.
I have three battles right now. My mom is in the last stages of liver cancer, my teenage son goes to school that is out of district and I have fell into owning and operating a cat rescue all on my own. I go out and I ask for help and I get praise and pats on the back for doing what I do. I understand…they are my battles. My sisters and I all tag team the caregiving duties for our mom and unless you have experienced it, you don’t understand how emotionally hard it is to watch your loved one slowly go away. It sucks. They are suffering and you see it on a daily basis and others sympathize with you but they don’t know how it truly feels unless they have done the same. Depression is a constant visitor and some days it’s hard for us to hold our heads up, but we do.
I fight hard to keep my son in the school that he is attending. Why? Because I know my potential and some of my potential wasn’t realized in school because we lived in poverty and I was at different schools sometimes 3 times a school year. So, I gave up and quit early but later went back when I could. No one was there to fight that battle for me as a child. I understand that my parents did the best they could with what they had. It was just luck of the draw for me. But for my youngest son, I have fought the battle for him because I see his potential and I am not about to let him flounder like I did.
My cat rescue is struggling. I get bags of cat food sometimes and some kind souls donate money here and there but it’s not nearly enough. People tell me to just give up and send them to the humane society. They think I am crazy for continuing on, but what they don’t know is that sometimes rescuing animals is the only thing that saves me. Sometimes they are the only thing I have and if I ever get to the point where they might go hungry then I would do what’s best for them. But they are happy and well cared for. I get accused of spending loads of money on them and others think that is a part of the reason of my financial stress. It is not. The cost’s are minimal compared to the mountain of debts that I have incurred.
And yes a lot of that debt I have incurred was for the sake of keeping a situation going for others that I really couldn’t handle. Again I made my own decisions and I am not blaming those people for my decisions. I am not blaming anyone but myself. I get overlooked so much because I don’t use my voice. Now at this point in my life, I don’t really care who gets upset with me for not doing what they think I should or for debt that they think I should pay to them right now. It’s simply bad timing for me. I should pay it and I want to pay it, but if I do not get serious about my own well being and my own financial situation, I will not be able to repay debts, take care of my three major responsibilities or reach a level of stability on that stairway to life. At the end of the day, no one cares what I am doing but me. I don’t expect others to care and when they do care, I will embrace that. I care about them and me.
What others don’t realize is that at the end of the day, I could be at a few different places. My life circumstances dictate my living arrangements. I work a lot, but a lot of my income goes to the costs of being instable and floating around from place to place. I sleep on a cot at my mom’s when I stay there. I sleep on a recliner at my friend’s house when I am needing to be there to be closer in distance to my son to get him to school. She only lives about 15 miles away from him. My jobs are in people’s homes so I’m not just in one city or place all the time. I cover a lot of distance just to make a day in my life work. It’s hard when you float around from place to place and if you look at the income I bring in sometimes, you would see that I should be able to afford a place on my own and the reality is, I could if I would stop doing what others wanted and needed and focused on myself. I have chosen that path of doing more than I can. Making promises that I can’t keep. Letting exes push me into more and and more responsibility that I really can’t handle efficiently, but yet they know I will find a way and I do.
So, if I miss some steps on this stairway of life and I owe you a debt, forgive me for taking care of myself first from here on out. Forgive me for even owing you because I don’t enjoy owing the debt to you or anyone and whoever you are….you are not the only one. I have no real place to lay my head. My things are scattered at different places. I have no one to really talk to at the end of the day. When everyone around me is cozy in their own spaces, I am feeling like an intruder invading someone else’s space and feeling like a robot doing things to pacify to earn my keep so to speak. It’s not a good feeling to be around all that despite the fact that I am not on the streets. I am grateful for those who let me couch surf. I have lived as roommates with others and for their own reasons they displace me because they need to be alone in their own space for whatever reason. Some have used me financially for their own benefit and when they no longer needed that financial help, I got kicked to the curb. I am a quiet person and respect other people’s lifestyles and spaces so I know in most cases I wasn’t doing anything to warrant getting kicked out. In some cases, I could not pay, so I do understand that one.
I am not one to give up though. I will find my place and I will take care of myself and I will have to let others misunderstand and resent me for taking care of myself first, but now it is a necessity and I encourage anyone who has been going through similar things to do the same. Climb those steps until you get where you need to be and if you owe people, when asked about the debt, let them know the truth of your situation. I have a bad habit of making promises and not being able to follow through because there is not enough to go around. I know I am not the only one. I am here to encourage you to focus on yourself and let go of people getting mad at you. I will be spending my Christmas break developing a recovery plan to get myself up out of this 10 year journey of survival mode and I will be letting all those involved know that as soon as I reach a level of stability, I will take care of those debts. Appearances are deceiving and when I reach some level of success with my business, it seems that I am loaded with income. I am not. I have merely made enough to pay things that need my immediate attention in order to survive, but when I get above water with a realistic financial plan then I can repay debts after all my needs are addressed.
I love everyone in my life and I am sorry if any of them are holding resentment towards me for not paying my debts earlier, but you simply only see what’s going with my life on the surface. You don’t see the intricate details of what it takes to keep going right now and it is up to me to change my circumstances and if I continue ot dish out what I make without taking care of my own needs, then my health is going to deteriorate and then I will not be able to physically take care of anyone’s debts that I owe.
I need space and time to be with my mom without the stress of people needing me to pay or do something. I need space and time to get my son on a level with school to where I am not the sole provider of getting him there. I need space and time to find others that are passionate about my animal rescue cause to delegate duties to them and pass the torch so to speak. I need time and space to make myself a better person so that I can repay my debts and live a decent and normal life. I currently do not have the resources to do anything but the bare minimum right now, but I will work it out. Hate me or love me…I will love you anyway. Don’t crucify me for wanting to better my life. Don’t crucify me for needing to be in a better position.
With Love to All, Sherry.