I Got The Music In Me

After recently being diagnosed with a minor health condition and having to take a little time off to get it under control and start really taking care of myself, I recently had this thought. “I Got The Music in Me” and I love that old song. I do have the music in me, but with any of us, we can change that word “Music” to whatever colorful word that inspires us or a word that we know is in our core being.

I’ve always been a writer at heart and now with the speech to text features in many of our devices, I can talk text and edit later when I need to or have words flowing out of me faster than I can type. Not to mention that a part of my health condition makes it a little hard to actually type at times so it doesn’t stop me from getting some of this stuff inside me out. When I can, I love to write with pen to paper and let the creativity flow. Of course, now we can use AI (artificial intelligence) to write for us some if need be, but when it comes to creative writing or letting my thoughts flow, I will stick to the good ol’ traditional way and save the AI for technical and practical writing. I haven’t actually tried AI writing yet, but do plan on delving into the newly discovered digital artform. I’m a bit old school, but new school entices me as well.

Music has always been a core element to my being. I will go out and sing occasionally at the local karaoke bar, but my real love is writing songs and poetry. I know I don’t share that much on here, but since the voice is my only real instrument, I am challenged when it comes to actually getting music behind my lyrics. I can sing it acapella to get the melody out and I can pick out the melody and potentially add some chords from a piano, but nothing else. So in order to get some of my music out there, I would need collaborators. I can hear all the instruments in my head with a song I’ve written and could direct other musicians. It would be music to my ears to hear someone else sing my songs on the radio. One of my goals as a singer is to be a one hit wonder, but my end goal would be to live out my life as a songwriter, a novelist and content writer.

So with down time, comes the much needed reflection time on the direction that my life is leading me. Apparently, I don’t have a say so in that direction sometimes. I get the feeling it is time for me to “answer the call” to a core element of my soul that I have been ignoring by being “too busy” in life. The last time I answered a call, I opened up a full blown small animal rescue and still operate it to this day. That was 10 years ago and while it still has its challenges, I am managing and ready to pass the torch to the next line of beautiful souls that have a passion for animals. I will still be very much involved, however, I will slowly wane from being an animal caregiver to a mentor and organizer for others that I have blazed a path for. That way, I can actually frolic and play with the animals while someone else does the daily routine stuff. I’ve paid my dues and that is my reward.

Loving animals is a core element to my being just like writing is. Maybe there is a time to everything and to everything there is a season..right? These three things are me –a great love for animals, writing and creating beautiful environments. I’ve worked as a house painter for the last 10 years as well and slowly moving into the hospitality world by working in a hotel. What a combination …just imagine what I could do with that in the future. I have a knack for taking any space and rejuvenating the energy. We will see where that leads me in the future, but for now, with my newly found downtime, I guess it’s time for me to answer this call. I’m just going to let it flow in whatever form it wants to show up. That could be blogging, journaling, creative writing, content writing, songwriting, copywriting, AI writing…whatever form that wants to be born from my soul.

Go listen to the song..” I got the music in me…I got the music in me…I got the music in me…..

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE

My life has consisted of years and years of struggle, yet almost every morning I wake up optimistic and ready to try again. My life has been a super challenging conglomerate of messes, excitements, hopes, dreams and having all those hopes and dreams shattered in an instant. I am not in self pity mode, but I am in “why me” mode. If I am to be faced with all these challenges in life, what am I supposed to be doing with my life? Show people how to do it easier after I went to all through all the hardships for me and for them? I don’t know. What I do know is something has to change. I do know that I have to make those changes that are best for me and not for those around me. That would be so much easier to do if I knew exactly what to do with my life. Instead I get episodes of rescuing animals and sometimes people and go back to my den and sit quietly alone until the next episode.

Honestly, my life is a mess and each time I make an effort to get it cleaned up, I am hit with curve ball after curve ball and somehow find myself thrown into someone else’s life to pick up their pieces too. I have a kind, empathetic heart and if it were up to me, I would create a Utopian world where we all could play and frolic with animals drinking wine and having sweet conversations with those we love. I am by no means a great person. I make huge mistakes and impulsive decisions that create a world of pickles and then get super angry with myself. Why do I do that? I have no idea yet. Maybe I am a risk taker. Maybe I am too optimistic sometimes. Maybe I just can’t sit still long enough to let something good for me sink in.

When I rescue animals, I do it without thinking. I just jump feet first and put myself and the animals at the mercy of the God and his will. And sometimes his will is not for me to save that animal, but merely to comfort it while it crosses Rainbow Bridge. It took me awhile to accept that because I have a healing nature about me and I want to heal everything and everyone that crosses my path. I want to save every animal and person that comes into my life. Reality doesn’t allow that so I resign myself to do as best I can with what resources I have. The tears keep shedding though. I have a cousin who was a huge part of my childhood who developed cancer in her esophagus and has only days to live and all I can do is pray she passes peacefully. I have a brother in law that is also in stage 4 lung cancer dealing with family rifts as he struggles with his pain. I lost my mom to cancer three years ago and it still feels raw when I think about her.

I am no match for death…of that I am sure. Just this morning, I came upon an injured deer in the road on my way out of the hills. I couldn’t just leave her there to suffer and she was very alert, however, her leg had been broken and was completely severed just hanging by some skin. I consulted a wildlife rehabilitator who is also my rescue vet and a wildlife sanctuary. Both of them advised me to have the deer euthanized by the state fish and wildlife agency. My soul wanted to take that deer back to my barn in the hills and nurse her back to health with a broken leg. I wanted to do that so bad, but my wildlife vet talk some senses into me and painted the picture of reality for her if I attempted that. First, I was not certified to do that and second, she would likely die of capture myopathy which he explained almost always happens to them. Capture myopathy is where they struggle too much to get away that they cause muscle damage and also get depressed. I know that is not true in every single case but in the majority of the cases it is true. So, I did take her to the state’s fish and wildlife agency and I cried off and on all day for her. The fish and wildlife employees ask me how in the world I was able to get her in my car? I told them, I wasn’t quite sure myself. I somehow got her to trust me enough to coax her to my car and blocked her so the only choice she had was to jump in and she did and she struggled a bit but settled down and rested on her ride. I had no cell service where I was at on that country road so I couldn’t make phone calls until after I was quite a few miles down the road with an injured deer in my back seat.

My soul wanted to take her back to my barn with me and search in other states even if I had to get her healed. I do trust my wildlife vet because I do know that if he can save an animal he will certainly try. So I know his experience was more valuable than my clouded empathy. It really sucks to have empathy like sometimes. A blessing and a curse all wrapped up into one sweet deal leaving me to wonder if I truly did do the right thing in taking her to the fish and wildlife agency. I shall never know. Is this my life then? To always be in that wonder mode. Asking myself if I made the right decision? I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m just doing it.

Electric Energy

Oh…..it’s been a while since I’ve written. 2021 was such a blur that I am not even sure of the contents it holds without delving deep into my memory glands. I am in self induced isolation because every time I go out into the general public and work for a few days, I come back with a cold or flu of some sort, get exposed to Covid and have determined that I am clearly immune to it. I have been exposed to it at least 5 times and tested each and every time and always produced a negative result. However, I have dealt with asthma symptoms nearly all year with few breaks in between. Each time I get a cold or flu, it triggers a fortnight of asthma symptoms so this last retreat, I decided I wasn’t coming out of isolation until I do some things to naturally build up my immune system. I have weak lungs and not even a smoker so I have to really get this under control because I’m too busy to even begin to slow down and family situations keeps piling on my plate.

So, I got creative and placed an ad on Facebook where I am currently staying in Southeast Kentucky smack dab in the hills. I will finish relocating to Central Kentucky in February after I handle some obligations here pertaining to some animal rescue endeavors. The Facebook ad is for me redoing small furniture pieces for the locals as in refinishing, repainting and upholstery. I am actually picking up my first project in the area today which consists of upholstering four kitchen chairs and the lady informed me that if this project goes well, she has other people she knows that need their furniture redone. Since I can’t travel out for work right now due to transportation issues and along with my health, this is the perfect solution to generating income because my family can help me with pick up and deliveries until I get another car. This is what I will likely do for the month of January except for a few on site small projects like removing wallpaper from bathrooms. I have two of those scheduled but I will be by myself and not in the general public.

Now let’s get to this electric energy. I have been asked by three different family members to help with their electric bills that are in danger of getting shut off. They know that I don’t have the money to just hand it over to them, but they know how resourceful I am and that I have connections with others that might be able to help. I have become somewhat of a fundraising guru for raising funds and getting food donations for the rescued animals, but it really gets exhausting begging people to help me help the animals so now I am being asked to add humans to the mix. Fundraising for humans is a little diferent dynamic. Potential donors want to know why these people are in this position. With animals they are voiceless and they can’t go out and get a job and we have taken over their natural habitats so it is a little easier to get funds for their care and basic needs.

So, one family member wants me to ask another family member for money to pay it. Another family member who is elderly and on oxygen specifically requested that I be picked up by his daughter to come visit with them, but at the end of the visit, he proceeds to bring out his electric bill while every one was outside smoking. Since I don’t smoke and he doesn’t smoke, we were left alone chatting and that’s when he popped out the good ol’ paper showing he was due for disconnection any day. He also said his oxygen machine wouldn’t work if the electric was off and nor would his phone, which I already knew from a previous situation.

I am his great neice…so why was he telling me this? Because two times I have intuitively popped in at his house. One time his electric was shut off and me and my aunts were able to get the medical supply place to bring him manual oxygen tanks and he was there alone because his wife has to work. I don’t get into their personal life and don’t have enough information on all that yet in order to have an opinion as to why he was left alone. The second time me and my cousin (his daughter) came in just in time to take him to the hospital after he had fallen and developed an abcess under his arm from the fall that had to be surgically removed. I kept getting the feeling we needed to go by there that weekend and we did. So, I am assuming he felt that I would help him get something done about his electric bill because of these two incidents. Of course, I have already worked out a partial plan with his electric company and a communtity action service but there is still at least $200 that will need to be paid out of pocket somehow. How, …I am not sure yet but I have until the 7th to try and figure that out for him. His daughter does not have the means to pay that balance either.

Last week, before this visit with my great uncle, two of my close relatives asked me if I would ask another family member to help them with their electric bill. They do not qualtify for assistance but I am going to call their local community action agency and find out if their is something else that can be done. I didn’t ask that family member for help. I used what little I had to help with one of their bills to prevent disconnection, but the other one is facing disconnection on the 6th. I don’t want to ask for help from another family member because they have a lot of responsibility and has many people that he helps and I don’t want to place that burden on him because he will worry about them if he can’t help. So now I am faced with worrying about three family members. One on oxygen and another one that has a stage 4 cancer patient. The third one admittedly told me that she lost her job and was just struggling with other things in her life. I get it. I’ve been there. But here I am soliciting for small furniture projects to keep my own self in the flow of things and there is no way I can pay two more electric bills totaling close to $400 between them. Neither of them ask me to pay them outright, they just have this sense that I will do what I can to get the job done. I barely was able to pay the first one that was due to shut off out of my own pocket. So, this weekend, I will be contemplating that electric energy while working on my first furniture project in this area. Maybe I can come up with a solution. I will keep you posted.

Beauty in the Backyard

BEAUTY IN THE BACKYARD
(If you don’t want to read, just click on the photo and let me know what you think about my amateur photography skills. You need to see the enlarged view of the photo to see it’s full effect.)

Since being stuck at home more for a couple different reasons, I have been forced to slow down my thoughts and my body and reflect upon much needed changes. The first one being taking control of my health. I’m dealing with minor issues right now, but if not taken care of soon, they could lead to major issues. I do not want to bore anyone with all that medical crap though.

Do I want to bore you with the mundane details of my life? No. Do I want to feed you some deep spiritual shit that you would have to sit and ponder on for hours on end to understand? No. Trust me…I can get weirdly deep when it comes to spiritual stuff. What I do want is to ask you – what changes do you need to make to free yourself from the chains of outside influences? I know what they are for me. What are they for you?

Dig deep. Let go of fears. Let go of other people’s chatter in your ears so you can hear your soul. I am facing a time where I am being asked to sit quietly and reflect I am being asked to seek out beauty in the backyard, like the photo on this post. I took that photo in the backyard. Do you know what that is like for a gypsy heart? To stay in the backyard for a bit? Ugh..sometimes pure torture.

I am a free spirit. I like to float with the wind sometimes and see where it takes me. Yeah I’m brave like that. All I need to do though is make the changes and then I can float in the wind again. Find the courage to allow others to help me. Tap into the deepest recesses of my mind and allow those cobwebs to be swiped away so I can see my own reflection again. Who would that be I wonder? Do you know who you would be if you had nothing in the world to worry about?

The Karmic Mother

 

Hello Mom, 

I was sitting in the parking lot today getting myself prepared to go into work just listening to the radio when a song came on that reminded me of you.  I allowed the tears to flow as a thought crossed my mind about how no one really took the time to recognize the light in you. From my perspective, people made fun of you and misunderstood your intentions towards your children.  I was a part of those people.

Some of those around you accepted you and love you unconditionally.  They know who they are and I know who they are. I saw your light a little too late – you know gradually after each month went by after you passed away.  I gave you a hard time at times, although not all the time. I learned to love you no matter how I thought you were doing things wrong when it came to raising me.  No doubt – life was tough for us all, meaning me, you, Dad, the siblings and some of those around us. What I was blind to then was the fact that the odds seemed to be stacked against you no matter how you tried to make things right for us as children.

Experience is a teacher.  I know this now. Bit by bit, I have been experiencing small pieces of your life through the scenes of my life’s movie.  Watching all the emotions unfold from my heart as I allowed others to treat me the same as I treated you. I am not the exception though.  Some others in your life treated you like you didn’t matter, like their sins were above yours, like the things you did wrong in their eyes was unforgivable and like they themselves never made bad decisions or huge mistakes.  But most of all, my biggest regret was not ever taking the time to stop for one moment to see the good you were trying to do despite those odds being stacked against you. I don’t know about the other people in your life, but for me, I see it now.

Of course, there were things you could have done better and, admittedly, so can I.  How can people see the real you through a clouded lens of their own self inflicted wounds?  Not an easy task. Why give your love away to someone who throws it back at you with a bundled up ball of judgement and misunderstandings?  I now see why you let go of the fight sometimes to keep us supplied in our basic needs. Not only were the odds stacked against you, but quite a few people judged you harshly by choosing to see what they wanted to see instead of the truth that was in your heart.  I See it. I feel it. I feel it, but only now after you left this world.

I learned that love …just is, Mom.  Love is love no matter what form it comes in.  I learned that if people in your life chose to see what they want no matter what you do or say, then they miss out on your light, but expect you to see their light when it’s their turn in the dark.  I learned to accept their darkness even if they didn’t accept mine. I learned the beauty of Karmic Love, my Mother, through your life and your death. Thank You. Happy Mother’s Day from Earth to Heaven.

The Crossroads of Crosswinds

 

I have lost myself.  To the point that I cannot fathom which direction to go at this point in my life.  I am not sad or depressed, just feeling as though the wind was blowing me to my destinations for these last ten years and it all of a sudden stopped.  I allowed myself to be blown in all directions but my own and now my own direction eludes me.

 

Here I am, with family responsibility waning and can finally focus on who I am and what makes me tick and I don’t even know where to begin.  I am no stranger to the empty nest syndrome. I experienced that many years ago when I hit a bump in the road and felt it best that my children stay with their father who was more financially stable at the time.  I was the absent parent, but not so absent that I wasn’t a part of their lives. I was the transient one who had a good soul with a problem making roots somewhere. I still had family responsibility no matter where the wind decided to land me.  I was there faded into the background, waiting to be summoned when I was needed.  

 

Couch surfing became a way of life for me.  I went from couch to couch or floor to floor based on who wanted me around or who simply could tolerate my presence.  I wasn’t a bad person or difficult roommate, just financially challenged which caused problems for others. Their expectations of what I should and should not do in exchange for them allowing me the grace to sleep on their floor or couch were at times too much for me to achieve.  I wasn’t a bum. I paid my way most of the time, but sure enough when I didn’t live up to those expectations or simply got in the way from a certain lifestyle, I was no longer welcomed. A sad way to float through life. I am not the victim here. I am the perpetrator. I was the outsider.  The intruder. The one who couldn’t seem to get her life together because of the lack of good decision making.

 

My decision making skills fell short of a lot of people’s expectations of me, however, they didn’t understand what I was going through on the inside or what was really going on in my life and I am guilty of not letting them in to even know or understand.  On the rare occasions that I did share my plans, thoughts, goals or dreams, they were roadblocked or shorted out by someone else’s well intentioned advice. I followed a lot of advice but my own. I definitely am the one who made all the bad decisions that led to my life of strife, but looking back, perhaps that was because I seemed to always have someone else’s thoughts and feelings in mind instead of my own.  

 

As a result, I have created a path of haters, those who love me know matter what and those who think they know what is best for me based on their path in life.  I am at a true crossroad. A real one. I have been to small cross roads but none like this. None that requires me to make decisions based solely on what I want or feel is best for me.  This is a scary but exciting place to be for sure. Am I ready to embark on a brand new path of life to where my decisions don’t affect anyone but me. Will I finally choose what is the best road for me without the influence of another’s situation?  No one asked me to make these decisions based on them. I just did because I felt it was best at the time given what we all were going through and what I was trying to accomplish or lead them to.

 

Well, I did it.  I lead those who meant a lot to me to their journeys and I have no regrets about that as of yet.  They are well on their way and a part of the reason is because I was so adamant that I support them, their talents and the desires of their hearts because I could not rest properly knowing that they needed something or was in a situation that wasn’t well for them.  All of my children are on their own journeys now and although I know they harbor a little bit of resentment from me for being a gypsy mom, they were placed in better situations than I ever could have provided.

 

I have even been successful at setting up a workable space for rescued animals that someone else can handle while I am away.  I have almost single handedly taken care of all these animals alone for the past year and shed a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get it to where it needed to be so that they were safe and well cared for.  I have had a little help along the way from other animal lovers, but the grind has only been contributed to my dedication and determination despite being advised to give up over and over again. I didn’t listen to them on that level and I didn’t listen to them that ridiculed me and talked about how bad of a mother I was for being the absent parent.  Only absent in the fact that they did not live with me. I have a good relationship with all my children so my only regret would be that I couldn’t have provided more for them. I wanted to but just wasn’t in a position to.  

 

These setups that I did for my children and the rescued animals came from a deep depth of my soul and out of a pure love for them.  No other reason. Unless you have experienced the emotional pain of letting your children live apart from you, then you will never know how lonely and heartbreaking it is to be on the outside looking in.  I have seemed to always be on the outside looking in on everyone else’s life and been allowed to participate at times, but loneliness became so etched in my heart and soul that it became my companion. I am not upset over that.  Those were my decisions. I chose that path. I could have fought to keep my children with me, but I knew that meant a life of strife for them also and after growing up in a life of poverty as a child, I was not willing to sacrifice their well being for that.  That was my chosen path for them. I was blessed with two responsible fathers and a strong step mother that provided for my children in a way I never could have at the time.

 

Now though.  I can be on the outside looking in without the emotional pain.  I have learned to heal from all that. I am grateful for those who played a role along with me in helping me rear these beautiful souls to blossom into the adults that they are now and are becoming.  Of course, they have their issues, but who doesn’t. Overall, they are doing well and I am not sure they would have done so well living with me as who I was at the time.  

 

I may be a floater, a gypsy and homeless on a very different level than true homelessness, but I work. I have a skilled trade.  I can go find me a place to make roots now and have tried those little apartments and roommate situations. Those are not for me at this time in my life.  I would rather keep my options open rather than settle somewhere just because it is expected of me. I want to be where my heart feels at home and ironically, that just may be on the road or experiencing a place for a few months and moving on.  Maybe in my exploration, I will discover a place I never want to leave. Who knows. These crosswinds have led me to a crossroad to finally decide where I would like to go next based on me and me alone. Wow. How profound is that? It requires me to dig down deep and get to know me.  Who is “me”? I don’t even know, but I have no choice but to find out.

 

Beauty of Boonesborough

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The Da Vinci Code (I missed the mark a little)

I once told someone that I wanted to be a painter….and that was before I actually became an interior painter.  That job came along by default and I will talk about that one day, but for now we will stick to the here and now.  So did God answer my desire to be a painter?  Perhaps he did but I think he might have had a sense of humor because. …what I meant was a painter like Leonardo Da Vinci. 

I wanted to paint murals of vibrant colors on domes and walls and maybe even front doors…people who know me know I love to paint front doors, but my creative side wants to see turquoise doors, emerald doors and doors that look like burnt fire.  Only 1% of my customer base will step out of their comfort zone and venture to the world of vibrant and playful colors.  Doesn’t stop me from wanting to color the world and add my special touches.  I’m a bit weird, eclectic and rustic when it comes to deign.  So God must have answered my wishes, but I didn’t specify, I kind of got stuck with being a house painter for the moment. ..thanks God!  At least it pays the bills..right?  Right.  So I make the best of it and I play with color as much as I can.

Then I realized that Da Vinci was a designer too…as am I ..whether that is in color design or accent design.  So in my need to close up an opening at my cattery to prevent the cats from jumping into the reception area from their play area, I went to work with my design sense. 

I first covered it with cheap cut up underlayment boards that I had left over from another project.  I then sealed it with the famous Gorilla tape.  I had some dark colored gel stain from a front door project so I spruced the boards up a bit.  I love the color of light blue and dark stain so luckily I had some semi gloss Behr paint left over from a bathroom project and I went to work.  Not bad for piecing a project together.  Here’s what it looked like after I nailed up the underlayment boards.

So here’s to you God for teaching me to work with what I have.  Maybe one day…I will actually reach Da Vinci status. …hmmm…I won’t hold my breath.

The Art of Creation

I have learned through the art of necessity to create something out of nothing. Adversity is indeed the catalyst to creation. Stumbling blocks are the very solid foundation to building something concrete and durable. Every tear along the way is simply the water that nourishes the seed to allow it to sprout. Another heartache is the path to greater love. An assumption or misunderstanding is an opportunity to become a master at communication.

Pulling something out of thin air from sheer determination unfolds abilities you never knew existed inside of you. The insight and inspiration you feel witnessing the fire of another’s soul is the spark to your own flame. You may think you are nothing but indeed you are everything to your own world. Your world is the flower blooming with sweet fragrance for all to inhale.

Manifesting your universe from pure thought that seems to come out of nowhere puts you everywhere you need to be. You are the most important element to this life – your life. You give birth to you and you are all you need to be. Nothing more. Nothing less. Move away from being your own enemy. If you think you are nothing then start being everything to something. Creation starts with one little seed or need.

The Warrior Within

 

As my mom sits here in the Compassionate Care Center, I wanted to capture some images of what cancer looks like.  I, instead, captured the warrior within.  Her angled features are prominent, illuminating the Native American roots pulsating through her veins.  She comes from an Appalachian family centered in the hills of South Eastern Kentucky, a descendent of a trible derived from Native American roots.  Which tribe, I am not entirely sure, but I believe I was told it was Cherokee.  One day, I will research to find out.

The warrior is strong willed, determined to beat their opponent.  Accepting defeat is not an option in the heart and mind of a warrior.  What if, though, two warriors reside in the same soul?  A spiritual warrior and a mental warrior.  Both fighting with equal strength in an attempt to master the other.  That’s the image of cancer in my opinion.  Two warriors who can’t seem to over power each other.  The spirit wants to move on and shed the skin that holds it bound to the pain, sorrow and frustration.  The mental warrior wants to hold on.  To show it’s opponent that it can beat down the enemy within.  To grow stronger than the poison eating away the flesh of life.  They take turns with the power exchange and on and on it goes.  The battle. The rollercoaster.  The glimmers of hope followed by the realness of reality.   Sometimes the roles reverse. Sometimes the spiritual warrior wants to defeat the poison.  Other times the mental warrior beats the odds.  Yet, I can also see both warriors, at times, hold hands and walk arm in arm creating a plan to battle that poison together.

Every warrior gets battle fatigue though.  If there are two warriors warring against each other, then one must come out of the battle as the winner.  Unless…of course…a truce is called.  Isn’t that what happens when one can’t get the best of the other?  A truce to walk away from each other and letting what will be – just be.  Maybe….just maybe…that is the moment God walks in and sends his angels to administer healing.  Oh…but .. oftentimes, death is the healing itself.  I realized a long time ago that my place in life was not to save every soul that came across my path – my mother included.  Still it doesn’t stop me from fighting with her until the very end and using my call to heal and comfort.  That’s my calling, but my job is to bring the light with me and just be there with them.  That’s it.  Nothing more …. nothing less.

I have been watching this power play all day with my Cherokee warrior.  Moments of strength.  Moments of weakness.  Brief moments of peace, followed by a moment of frustration.  Same for me.  I wonder, is this the end?  Oh wait, she’s getting a bit stronger and looking like she might improve only to be taken down again as if she is pulled under water again, but finding the strength to push her way to the top for a breath of air.  How cruel.  To feel hope, but back to desperation again…..and again.

As I watch, I do the same.  A moment of hope picking up my battle arms to fight with her.  Making calls to find a doctor to cure her.  Pleading with the hospice doctor to drain the fluid from her stomach one more time.  Creating a tentative healing plan for when she goes home tomorrow.  Only to be crushed by witnessing the tears on her face – the first sign of giving up and giving in.  Feeling helpless in the futile attempts to take her pain away.  Praying that if she is giving up that she be given the mercy to go quick before the pain consumes her body.  Watching her slowly go down and praying for her sake that she stays down knowing that if she gets back up again, she will go on yet another roller coaster ride to hell and back, but just out of reach of Heaven’s Gate.  I want her to stay.  I want her to go.  I want her suffering to end, but don’t want to let her go.  I am on the roller coaster with her.  Not only me, but the others that love her too.  How long will it be until the roller coaster derails?

Yesterday, as I walked out of the center to get my own personal things done, I wondered how many other family members had walked through those double doors for the last time  Heavy hearts, tears, sorrow all wrapped up in a breath of relief.  Maybe even a twinge of guilt for even feeling that much needed relief.  Cancer isn’t the only poison.  Others are here battling their own poison, but the common element is that most of them will here to go to their heavenly home and not their physical home.

Which will it be for us?  When will my last time of walking out of those doors be?  Where will I be going?  To my mom’s house or to her funeral?  One thing is for certain.  My time here at the Compassionate Care Center is coming to an end, but where will my little Cherokee warrior be?